Today at dinner a comment was made.
We were discussing this diet, because my grandma like to always give her opinion and tell me how I "should" diet. Eat this not that, cook with this, take these pills, etc. I always get annoyed, because she thinks Dr. Oz is God and knows everything. Do I think HCG is the only way? No. It's research. And research will always be disproven by more research. But HCG is *A* way, and it is the way I have chosen, given I have read the research and read other diets, tried other diets that didn't work for me.
So, as we are leaving, she says "Her problem is just that she likes to eat ice cream and junk..." and I stopped her there. I instantly became defensive and angry. But she is right. I absolutely love junk. I drink too much pop, I eat too much chocolate at one time, and I like heaping bowls of ice cream.
My mom did the best she could raising me. But she was a working mom who couldn't watch everything I ate. When I was younger, my grandma would give me anything I wanted, because I wanted it. She tries to say now she didn't, but she does it with my daughter every time we are over. Natalie wants juice, but she really needs water. My grandma gives her the juice of course. As Natalie drank a cup of water today my grandma was amazed. (How is it I can get the kid to drink water in two weeks of being home, and she couldn't do it in 5 months of babysitting?) Anyways. I know my grandma gave me all the sweets I wanted, and when I went home I would sneak it if need be, or just eat, and my mom never said a word because I was a good kid and a good student. So what if I wanted to eat? I can't remember anyone, with the exception of my step mom, trying to direct me to good eating habits. (And, her direction was telling me I was fat and worthless, no wonder the kids didn't want to play with me, I was gross. How effective was that? I wanted to eat MORE. I think it was more she was miserable than she wanted to help.)
And you know what, I never cared about my body. It was good enough. I was "skinny" enough. I thinned out in high school, got attention from boys, and it just didn't matter. Someone would want me. (Unfortunately those someone's ended up being control, aggressive, and needed anger management. But at the time, it was someone and I didn't care what I needed to put up with.) So I continued eating the way I did, because it made me feel better about myself. I was so low on self esteem and had such a low self worth, that food was what I turned to, as many people do. It was a comfort, and I let food control me. I couldn't control my cravings, I tried, but I always gave in. It was easy to give in.
I wish someone would have taught me as a child, but as an adult I wasn't willing to change what I knew was harming me. This is a form of self abuse, and I firmly believe that. Once I got married, it got worse. I had a husband, what did I care what I looked liked? But then my low self esteem worked its way into my thoughts, and my already trust issues and jealousy issues came back with a vengeance. I know I have been miserable, untrusting, and my husband is probably ready to divorce me even though he won't admit it. Not because he doesn't love me, I know he loves me (he puts up with all the shit I give him), but because I have become controlling and moody. I am sure almost any women who has been through this would understand and agree, and I pray you this to my husband that it isn't him, it really is me.
Now, as I sit here, I realize I need to stop blaming everyone else. I need to take control of my actions, control of food, and stop letting myself abuse me. Stop letting the food control me. I need to give myself a HEALTHY body. Because I want to look good, but I know if I continue to eat this way major health problems are in my future. Before, I was 21 and didn't worry about health problems. Now I have a baby, I want more, and I want to be here for them as long as I can. To do that, I need to get healthy. I need to be the person I want to be, INSIDE AND OUT. And as weird as this sounds, I need to get clean. Clean from my food addiction.
My family thinks I am insane when I freak out about a bite of chocolate. But I don't want my daughter to struggle the way I have. I can tell her she is beautiful no matter what all day, but she needs to feel god about herself. So in addition to my rant, I want to add...parents, please don't give in. Natalie cries and throws a tantrum when she brings me her Easter chocolate and I won't give her any. But I know she upset now, and in the long run I am doing what is best for her. Is it hard to listen to her cry? Yes, to a point. I also think it is silly to cry over chocolate. But she is a year old, doesn't know better, and I just chuckle to myself a little and wish she knew what I was doing for her. She will someday.
With this diet, I am doing so many things besides getting skinny. Besides wanting to look better. I am improving my health, I am taking control. I am working on myself inside and out. I am taking control by doing it my way.
And I hope everyone reading this who (tough love) KNOWS they have an eating problem, knows food has taken control of them, and knows they are headed down a rocky path will decided to take control and make a change in their life....whether it be HCG, Weight Watcher, Atkins, or whatever it is they decide. You can be the person you dreamed, you just have to take control.
