Day 17 Weight Update

I've been a slacker with my weight, I know!
So, I figured I will update you all with my weight for the past 17 days so you can see my progress!

4/14- 236.5 (Starting weight)
4/15- 237 (After 1st Loading Day)
4/16- 237.7 (After 2nd Loading Day)
4/17- 236.8 (Cheated)
4/18- 237.7 (After 3rd Loading Day)
4/19- 235.6
4/20- 233.7
4/21- 232.6
4/22- 231
4/23- 230.4
4/24- 230.1
4/25- 231
4/26 229.7
4/27-227.4
4/28- 227.7
4/29- 225.5
4/30- 222.9

Measurement Day!

Measurement Day!

I think I am a little bloated today, seeing a how I just started TOM. But I did my measurements anyways!

Let me remind you of starting measurements
Brittany: (Heigh 5' 10")
Starting weight: 236.5
Hips: 49"
Waist: 39"
Bust: 42"


LAST WEEK::

Brittany:
Hips: 47" (Down 2")
Waist: 38" (Down 1")
Bust: 42 1/2 (Up 1/2") ((Not sad, since this is my boobs...))


THIS WEEK;;
Hips: 45 1/2" (Down 1 1/2")
Waist: 36 1/2" (Down 1 1/2")
Bust: 41" (Down 1 1/2")

TOTAL INCHES LOST:
Hips: 3 1/2
Waist: 2 1/2
Bust: 1 1/2

GRAND TOTAL: 7 1/2" in 2 weeks. :)

R1 VLCD 7

Yesterday, I did not post.
We had a cheating day, for Jason's birthday.
I tried to do as well as I could, I had a small amount of mashed potatoes, and I had a glass of coke. But a lot of things I would normally get, I didn't.

I'm having a hard time with this.
You might not understand it, everyone is different.
But it is hard to change everything about how you eat over night.
To stop the snacking, to cut out the pop.
This diet is so limited, and I am trying so hard to put on my big girl panties and just do it, but it is also difficult when your husband isn't putting his all into it either. When both of us are getting bored, at the end of the day, its easier to quit. Do I want to do that? Do I want to give up? No. But at the same time. I am wondering if I went into this wrong.

I wonder if I should have tried to clean up my eating little by little.
Or maybe, being thin isn't what life is all about.
I should be happy with the fact I have a husband who loves me no matter what I weigh, and a daughter who adores me as well, no matter what I weigh.
But instead, I am more concerned with what everyone else thinks. is this all about me? No. Would I love to be smaller? Yes. But this is also about how I feel in public. My insecurities that my husband is surrounded by skinny, pretty girls, meanwhile his wife is overweight. I'm 21, I shouldn't be worried about being over weight. Worried about other women. Especially when my husband doesn't give me a reason to worry about them.
But it's there. The insecurity. So I can't be completely honest when I say this is all about me and no one else. Of course it is about everyone else.
I don't think I need to be thin to be healthy. Making better choices and watching my portions would do that.

I want to finish this diet, I really do, but at the same time, it is very hard. I don't like fighting with my grandma why we can't have dinner with her because she doesn't make things we can eat. Essentially, this diet is separating me from family. I've been sick, yet have had to cook because I couldn't send Jason for pizza so I could rest. Jason hates the small portions and limited options. I find myself more stressed about his complaining and stressing over every little thing I eat and how it will effect the scale. That can't be healthy either.

This might not be the best time to do this diet.
But we've invested time and money into this, and it might not be the best to just give up either.

R1 VLCD 6

Weights:
Brittany: 232.6
Jason: 222.6


Saturday, ah. I woke up this morning feeling awful.
Natalie has been sick the past few days, and so I am thinking she gave it to me because she is constantly up my butt and wants to lay on me and be in my face. Great.
So my mom came and got the baby and gave me the day off. It was so nice to just lay on the couch all day long even though my house is a mess. I finally caved this evening and took some medicine. I was able to make some dinner, which was pretty good.

For dinner we had beef and cabbage soup.
Beef, Cabbage, Minced onion, Garlic powder, beef broth, water, hot sauce, pepper. I was proud of myself, and this soup saved me breaking out the chicken noodle soup I have in the cabinet!

Anyways, tomorrow we might be taking a planned interuption for Jason's birthday. I refuse to go crazy but it is his birthday, and I guess one day won't kill me. But then it is back on track! No more cheats.

R1 VLCD5

Weights-
Me: 233.7
Jason: 222.9

I got to sleep in today! Hooray! It was much needed. I woke up at 8:30 to take my hcg and then went back to sleep while Jason took care of the baby and cleaned the kitchen. Double yay!

I seemed hungrier today than usual. No clue why.
For lunch we just had chicken and spinach. Nothing special.

For dinner I made chili! Yummy!
It was super simple, just ground beef, canned diced tomatoes, and some seasonings. Thinking I might be trying some meatloaf and other things. Both Jason and I are bored with the bland stuff.

One week in and I think we are both struggling,I know this diet is very hard. I keep seeing commercials for ice cream and reeses. Crap, I would kill for a pb&j right about now! Jason has been cheating a little, go figure he still loosing well. I know if I cheated I would stall. And because I want to get to 210 this round, I have to focus and put all my energy into this. Prayers please!

Measurement day!!
Let me remind you of last weeks measurements
Brittany: (Heigh 5' 10")
Starting weight: 236.5
Hips: 49"
Waist: 39"
Bust: 42"

Jason: (Height 6' 1")
Starting weight: 225.5
Hips: 42"
Waist: 42"
Bust: 45"


THIS WEEK::

Brittany:
Hips: 47" (Down 2")
Waist: 38" (Down 1")
Bust: 42 1/2 (Up 1/2") ((Not sad, since this is my boobs...))

Jason:
Hips: 41" (Down 1")
Waist: 41" (Down 1")
Bust: 43 1/2" (down 1 1/2")

Woohoo!!

R1 LCD 4

Weight-
Me: 235.6
Jason 225.1

I'm down .9 pounds from starting weight! Woohoo!

Lunch was simple, chicken (baked for a change) and lettuse with an orange as my fruit.

Dinner was dreadful. I made tilapia and asparagus...
I do not know if I just did not make the tilapia right or what, but it was NOT good. I will not be making it for myself again. Bleck.
I ended up grilling up some beef tips to compensate. I just wasn't really hungry tonight. I will probably try another strawberry smoothie later, we'll see.

(I'd rather have an egg salad sandwich. :))

R1 LCD 3

We were off to a good start today! Weigh ins:

For lunch we had chicken sprinkled with Italian herbs and onion powder, a cucumber with some apple cider vinegar and salt, and an apple sprinkled with cinnamon.

Dinner, I made beef tips and spinach in lemon and garlic salt.

For dessert I plan on making a strawberry smoothie.

Total calories for the day: 442
And, thankfully, I haven't been starving. I was even able to skip breakfast and wait until about 12:30/1 for lunch. By dinner at 7 I was hungry though. But dinner was pretty satisfying and so I think I will wait about an hour for my smoothie. :)

R1 LCD2 //Cheating

Yesterday was really hard. REALLY hard.
For many many reasons.
Firstly, our dose was off. I was starving all day, even when I ate it wasn't satisfying, and I was left still hungry, and miserable. When it finally came time for bed, I couldn't sleep because I was so hungry.
Jason was hungry too, he practically begged me for food, anything.
Secondly, we didn't load properly. I don't think we realized we needed to gorge, and not just eat normally with the hcg.


So we cheated.
We lowered our dose, and we cheated, and decided to load for one more day and start over.
I won't diet and starve myself to where I can't sleep. Losing weight isn't that important to starve myself. So today, we are going to gorge ourselves for real, and look at tomorrow as a new day.

Yet this morning, at weigh in, 227.6 and 235.7. I lost a pound and Jason gained 2. Interesting!

R1 LCD1

Today began our first Very Low Calorie Diet(VLCD) Day.
Weigh in's this morning were 236.7(me) and 225.7(jason)
Jason gained NOTHING yesterday and I gained .7 pounds. Total gain over load days me: 1.2 pounds jason: .5 pounds

Our Menu today;
Breakfast- 1 orange            86 calories

Lunch- 8 Strawberries        32 calories
3 oz chicken breast            99 calories
3 cups lettuce                     30 calories

Dinner- 3.5 oz Chicken       110 calories
17 spears asparagus          51 calories

Total Calories for the day: 408 Calories


I have been so hungry all day. I am adjusting my dose, because I shouldn't be hungry. I was hungry yesterday too, so that tells me it's my dose, not I'm starving because I ate like a pig yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Day 1 and I was already having some cravings. Maybe because I was hungry. Generally only when I was feeding the baby. And it's just the beginning! ah!

Anorexia and Bulemia are not the only eating disorders...

Today at dinner a comment was made.
We were discussing this diet, because my grandma like to always give her opinion and tell me how I "should" diet. Eat this not that, cook with this, take these pills, etc. I always get annoyed, because she thinks Dr. Oz is God and knows everything. Do I think HCG is the only way? No. It's research. And research will always be disproven by more research. But HCG is *A* way, and it is the way I have chosen, given I have read the research and read other diets, tried other diets that didn't work for me.
So, as we are leaving, she says "Her problem is just that she likes to eat ice cream and junk..." and I stopped her there. I instantly became defensive and angry. But she is right. I absolutely love junk. I drink too much pop, I eat too much chocolate at one time, and I like heaping bowls of ice cream.
My mom did the best she could raising me. But she was a working mom who couldn't watch everything I ate. When I was younger, my grandma would give me anything I wanted, because I wanted it. She tries to say now she didn't, but she does it with my daughter every time we are over. Natalie wants juice, but she really needs water. My grandma gives her the juice of course. As Natalie drank a cup of water today my grandma was amazed. (How is it I can get the kid to drink water in two weeks of being home, and she couldn't do it in 5 months of babysitting?) Anyways. I know my grandma gave me all the sweets I wanted, and when I went home I would sneak it if need be, or just eat, and my mom never said a word because I was a good kid and a good student. So what if I wanted to eat? I can't remember anyone, with the exception of my step mom, trying to direct me to good eating habits. (And, her direction was telling me I was fat and worthless, no wonder the kids didn't want to play with me, I was gross. How effective was that? I wanted to eat MORE. I think it was more she was miserable than she wanted to help.)
And you know what, I never cared about my body. It was good enough. I was "skinny" enough. I thinned out in high school, got attention from boys, and it just didn't matter. Someone would want me. (Unfortunately those someone's ended up being control, aggressive, and needed anger management. But at the time, it was someone and I didn't care what I needed to put up with.) So I continued eating the way I did, because it made me feel better about myself. I was so low on self esteem and had such a low self worth, that food was what I turned to, as many people do. It was a comfort, and I let food control me. I couldn't control my cravings, I tried, but I always gave in. It was easy to give in.
I wish someone would have taught me as a child, but as an adult I wasn't willing to change what I knew was harming me. This is a form of self abuse, and I firmly believe that. Once I got married, it got worse. I had a husband, what did I care what I looked liked? But then my low self esteem worked its way into my thoughts, and my already trust issues and jealousy issues came back with a vengeance. I know I have been miserable, untrusting, and my husband is probably ready to divorce me even though he won't admit it. Not because he doesn't love me, I know he loves me (he puts up with all the shit I give him), but because I have become controlling and moody. I am sure almost any women who has been through this would understand and agree, and I pray you this to my husband that it isn't him, it really is me.

Now, as I sit here, I realize I need to stop blaming everyone else. I need to take control of my actions, control of food, and stop letting myself abuse me. Stop letting the food control me. I need to give myself a HEALTHY body. Because I want to look good, but I know if I continue to eat this way major health problems are in my future. Before, I was 21 and didn't worry about health problems. Now I have a baby, I want more, and I want to be here for them as long as I can. To do that, I need to get healthy. I need to be the person I want to be, INSIDE AND OUT. And as weird as this sounds, I need to get clean. Clean from my food addiction.

My family thinks I am insane when I freak out about a bite of chocolate. But I don't want my daughter to struggle the way I have. I can tell her she is beautiful no matter what all day, but she needs to feel god about herself. So in addition to my rant, I want to add...parents, please don't give in. Natalie cries and throws a tantrum when she brings me her Easter chocolate and I won't give her any. But I know she upset now, and in the long run I am doing what is best for her. Is it hard to listen to her cry? Yes, to a point. I also think it is silly to cry over chocolate. But she is a year old, doesn't know better, and I just chuckle to myself a little and wish she knew what I was doing for her. She will someday.

With this diet, I am doing so many things besides getting skinny. Besides wanting to look better. I am improving my health, I am taking control. I am working on myself inside and out. I am taking control by doing it my way.

And I hope everyone reading this who (tough love) KNOWS they have an eating problem, knows food has taken control of them, and knows they are headed down a rocky path will decided to take control and make a change in their life....whether it be HCG, Weight Watcher, Atkins, or whatever it is they decide. You can be the person you dreamed, you just have to take control.

Day 2

I thought these loading days would be fun.
Doesn't it sound fun to eat as much as you can?
It isn't. I ate like I would normally would food wise, just more of what my normal portion might be. And I only gained .5 pounds.
Supposed to gain 2-3 over 2 days. So today, I have eaten more than I generally would and I'm still going! But I have actually been hungry unlike yesterday- I wasn't that hungry.

So this morning we weighed in 237 and 225.7

Tomorrow starts the hard part.
We went and got some basic things for the next few days, and I have decided to go buy stuff in bulk. (Because a serving of strawberries is 10, which is basically a whole pack)
So for the next two days chicken will be our best friend. Yay!
Then when I go out to Sams club we will have some fish, maybe some red meat but not much.

That's all I have for today!

D Day

Today, we begin our diet! Finally!
The first two days are easy. I can eat whatever I want. It's Monday the real part begins, the hard part.
We will be weighing ourselves daily and measuring ourselves weekly.
I've also decided to hold onto my before pictures. I will share those later, when I have a hot body to compare it to. I thought I would be able to do it, but I'm still not emotionally ready to put myself out there like that.

Brittany: (Heigh 5' 10")
Starting weight: 236.5
Hips: 49"
Waist: 39"
Bust: 42"

Jason: (Height 6')
Starting weight: 225.5
Hips: 42"
Waist: 42"
Bust: 45"


Not sure who should be more embarrassed, me or Jason, because he has a bigger bust! Hahaha!
But in all honesty, I am disgusted with myself. I weigh more than my husband! UGH!
I know this diet has to work for me. Something has got to give.

An Improvised Menu

Our hCG is in New York! I will be a week behind, but I guess it is one more week to prepare. I wasn't ready this past weekend anyways.
Anyways, figured I would share the planned menu.

Breakfast: 1 cup warm water, Juice from 1/4 of a lemon, 2 tsp Vinegar, either an Apple or an Orange.

Lunch: 3 oz meat (fish or chicken), fruit, vegetable (likely in a salad of some sort)

Dinner: 3 oz meat (fish, chicken, or red meat), vegetable

I just learned that flavored seltzer water is allowed! I am not a huge water fan, especially during meals. So I think I will allow myself one of these a day, during meal times. Otherwise I will force myself to drink plain bottled water.

The protocol says you can have two fruits a day and two vegetables. Vegetables can not be mixed (two different kinds in one meal) and you can not combine meals. The only thing allowed is eliminating your fruit from a meal and having it for breakfast or a snack.

Tea and coffee is allowed, but I don't like tea and black coffee doesn't sound good either, so my lifeline will be water. I think I will try to post what I have eaten for the day, everyday. I know reading blogs that have done that has helped me considerably.

The Art of Wasting

I must learn the art of wasting.
That or learn to take smaller portions.
I have a bad habit of taking what I think I will eat, and then it ends up being too much. I get full, but I force myself to at the very least eat what is on my plate. Why?
I don't want to waste the money it costs, nor the food I think some starving child in Africa could be eating. I feel bad if I don't finish it, so I stuff myself to the point where I could explode.
Or you know that stuff I bought for the baby, and she didn't eat? That stuff I bought in bulk. It can't go to waste, it must be eaten.

I watch those shows where they toss everything bad for you. And I just think, why? Why would you do that? Eat it then start your diet!
I guess in these cases, I should learn the wonderful thing of charity and donating. Because at the end of the day, if I want the body I've dreamed about, is forcing myself to eat so something doesn't go to waste worth it? No. It isn't.
This is a habit I am going to have to break, because by over-stuffing myself I am just adding more calories to my body that it doesn't need.

I think that by counting my calories and tracking every single thing I put in my mouth, it is going to help because I will learn more about what my body actually needs. And if I remind myself that by over-eating, I am also going over my calories, hopefully I can push the extra away.
Right now, I don't care, because I don't track.

But something has got to give.
This was something I thought about, as I looked over my kitchen and realized there is a lot we won't be able to eat, and a lot we don't need to eat. Once this diet starts, someone better come get this crap out of my house.

Out of sight, Out of mind.